Video Summary:

I want to contrast two ways of interacting with people. The first is It's looking outside of selves for validation, acceptance, and fitting into a group. Most of us were conditioned with this tendency.

This can be a challenging issue to look at in ourselves. It's getting over the shame of seeking acceptance or people-pleasing. From what I can tell, we all do this in one form or another. Even those of us who have worked on it for a long time can revert back to it if we're not paying attention.

With this way of interacting, we're pushing our energy out. We're looking for something outside of ourselves that we ought to be providing for ourselves. This is my favorite definition of codependency. Acceptance and validation are things we can only truly provide for ourselves.

When we start looking outside for these things, it creates the dynamic of seeking validation. We’re adapting ourselves with a fast feedback loop. If we say something and they like it, we go more in that direction. If it doesn't seem to be landing with them we try something else. It's largely unconscious.

We're adapting, adapting, adapting. And somewhere along the way we lose ourselves because we’re using something outside of us to adjust ourselves to, rather than authentically being ourselves. This can become our default way of interacting. When don’t pay attention, this is what we're going to get.

The other way of interacting is being authentic by speaking our truth and sharing what we feel. It has inverse energy of the first dynamic as we allow the energy of the interaction in. We let it go down through our chakras to access clear seeing, clear feeling, and finally clear knowing down in our solar plexus.

And somewhere along the way your truth of that moment ignites and you know what you need to say or do. So in essence you’re saying, “This is my truth in this moment, and this is what I have to say.” Or, “I see it this way, and this is what I want to happen.” From this place we are authentic.

It’s important to know that this may or may not be popular. We might say what needs to be said at that moment, but it may not be well received. It may not be a crowd-pleaser. This is where we often doubt it.

I get this in sessions all the time. My client says, “I said the wrong thing and it upset them.” I might respond, “Perhaps you didn’t say the wrong thing, but what you needed to say wasn't what they wanted to hear. But quite possibly, it was exactly what they needed to hear.”

This interaction is entirely different than the acceptance feedback loop of, “Are people liking me?” Here the feedback loop is not there. And if we do get feedback it may not be very appreciative or reassuring. We need to get used to just saying it, letting people take it as they need to, and then feeling complete.

These two ways of interacting have totally intentions. The first is to get acceptance and validation by acting according to external feedback. The second is to authentically express our truth and act according to our internal guidance and intuition. One is looking without for guidance and the other is looking within.

While the acceptance intention relies on that old feedback loop where it's usually more intellectual and unconscious, the authentic intention is more in the body and the heart and solar plexus chakras. It’s more in the gut where our internal wisdom and knowing lies. We used to call it our heart mind.

It ultimately gets down to our intention and where we go for guidance and direction. What part of my mind do I access? If I have the intention of being liked, I'm going to access one part of my mind or being. If I want to speak my truth and be genuine, I'm going to go to a different part of my being.

We can also notice where we're going. What am I after here? Am I trying to get people to like me, or I'm trying to be authentically myself? It's a practice of accessing my truth, wisdom, intuition, and authenticity. After we do that for a while, it becomes the new default and new habit.

Once we establish this new default, we may revert back to seeking acceptance and validation when we get triggered, overwhelmed, or discouraged. When this happens we can notice and disengage from it. Then we can choose to access and act from the part of us that allows us to be truly authentic.