Video Summary:

I want to contrast true compassion with what I call misguided compassion. Misguided compassion has been called other things including codependency, caretaking, and enabling. But I'm going to use the term misguided compassion because it's specific and contrasts nicely with true compassion.

So let's start with true compassion. True compassion occurs when we empathetically sense and feel what another human being is experiencing and offer acceptance, support, and understanding to them.

In addition to empathizing with suffering, loss, and sadness, true compassion understands other people's perspectives. Once we understand another's perspective (even if we do not agree with it), we can have compassion for the feeling and the emotional state generated by their perspective.

Misguided compassion is different. It’s often offered to people by those of us that are more sensitive, empathetic, and compassionate. After feeling so many people's pain and discomfort, we may want someone to experience less pain so we can experience less pain empathetically.

Thus misguided compassion starts becoming more about us than them. We start making assumptions that people in a challenging situation must be in a lot of pain now, rather than actually feeling where they're at. We start projecting our feelings, discomfort, and beliefs onto them.

Compassion becomes misguided when we start projecting our feelings onto them and making assumptions and decisions about what they need. Then we provide what we think they need to them when they're not even asking.

Misguided compassion is usually well-intentioned as we're trying to reduce suffering, but we're doing it in a way that's not clear. This can interfere with their journey, what they need to experience, and the lessons they need to learn.

The other problem with misguided compassion is we tend to sell ourselves short. We may be uncomfortable to ask for what we need. We may make an assumption such as “She has so much on her plate right now that I just don't want to ask her for a favor.” I've heard myself say that many times.

In this example, I'm not really experiencing that she doesn't want to help or support me. Rather I make an assumption and do not ask her to support me or help me out. I don't ask her for a favor. So I take one for the team. Typically I do not ask anyone else either, and therefore do not get what I need.

This can interfere with our ability to allow abundance in our lives. It never occurs to us that people may want to offer us things. If we would let people know where we're at, they might naturally offer us the love, nurturing, and support that we vitally need as human beings.

The solution is to not make assumptions, and project our beliefs around misguided compassion onto their experience. Then we can share that we could use some love and support. It’s thinking, “Yes, my friend does have a lot on her plate, but I’m going to share what I need and see how she responds.”

And if she has too much on her plate, let her tell us. They might say, “I'd love to help you, but I've got too much on my plate right now. Maybe I could help you next week.” There is a subtle arrogance to misguided compassion in that we’re deciding for people whether they can be there for us or not.

So next time you're feeling for someone else, make sure it's based on true compassion. You can only access true compassion by opening your heart, allowing their energy in, and directly experiencing where they're at and what they're feeling. And then you can have compassion for where they are at.