Video Summary:

One of the things I prescribe to my clients in sharing circles, sessions, and retreats is a practice I call matching investment. The idea is to naturally interact with someone, notice the level of energy and investment that comes back from them, and then match it.

By investment, I mean an investment of energy, time, money, commitment, and caring. These qualities require emotional energy. We work hard to generate and invest this precious energy, and we only get so much of it in a given day, so it only makes sense to notice how much it’s valued and reciprocated.

I often prescribe this practice to clients that are overinvested in a relationship. By overinvesting I simply mean a pattern offering more energy than the person relating to you is offering back to you. I challenge clients to begin by noticing what's coming back to them when they offer their investment of energy.

It’s a practice of asking yourself inquiry questions that explore what you can do to find a more equitable exchange of investment and energy in a relationship. I have three specific inquiries or questions to ask yourself. The first of those is, “Why am I overinvesting?

There's a reason we overinvest that often has to do with a limiting belief or fear. Maybe you believe that you're not naturally a good mother or a parent, and so you have to overinvest to compensate for this lack. This creates imbalances in the relationship. So why are we doing it? Is there a payoff?

The second inquiry is, “What is the effect of your overinvesting?” It's asking questions like: Is it really helping this person and our relationship? Is it good for me? Or is it creating an imbalance? Maybe it's enabling the person I am relating to allowing them to slide or be weak or irresponsible.

Maybe I'm propping the relationship up in some way or another. Meanwhile, am I getting my needs met? Is this relationship or interaction joyful for me? Am I still enjoying this relationship?

The third inquiry is asking what you are afraid will happen if you cease overinvesting in this relationship. It’s wondering, “If I don't overinvest, maybe I'll be a bad parent, or maybe the person I’m with will leave me. Maybe I'll lose my job or friends.

It's really important to point out that some of these fears may be true, that these things actually could happen. Some of them may be more risks than fears. It may be that when you stop overinvesting, the relationship just kind of collapses.

Maybe we've been propping it up in an unnatural way, and when we cease overinvesting, it may fall apart. We may break up, or my kid may be mad at me or not talk to me for a while. My brother or family member might feel hurt or angry.

So it's risky business. But even if these seeming setbacks do happen, it opens the door for a more balanced and equitable relationship, either with those people or with new people that are able and willing to invest a similar amount of love, energy, and care that you are.

Allow it to be a naturally curious inquiry. It is not being judgmental towards yourself. It’s simply asking, “Am I overinvesting? I wonder why I do that. Why am I trying too hard here? I wonder why I do that. It seems odd that I would do that.” And then let the answers come to you.